Marijuana, it was nice knowing you, but it is officially over.
I am no longer using marijuana. This is my third day without it, and I have decided to never use it again. It just doesn't agree with me. I still have some left, but I will either give it away, or throw it away. It was messing with my heart rhythm, causing heart palpitations and an irregular heart beat. I did not have this problem prior to using marijuana, so I figured it must be the cause.
I realized that I had to stop because I was starting to have panic attacks, just out of the blue during the daytime, when I wasn't even using it, but had the night before. If my heart rate went up naturally from either exercising or anxiety, it wouldn't come down right away like it ordinarily would, it would stay elevated for hours, but now that I haven't used for a couple of days my heart rate is stabilizing.
The last episode happened when I was grocery shopping. I rode my bike a little too fast on the ride there, and so my heart was already elevated, and then I noticed that they were not restricting the amount of customers in the store like they were last week, although they were still requiring masks, but there were too many people in the store, and it must have triggered a panic attack, because my heart was pounding out of my chest, and I barely made it home, and had to work soon after, and was fortunately able to trade away some of my hours, but it was very brutal. I am still recovering.
Then the next day I open my work email and find out that all the supervisors are returning to the center permanently this week. They had been working remotely for the past year like I had been, and I am worried that they are going to say I have to come back, too, and I can't. I won't, because it's not safe. I'm not vaccinated. I am not ordinarily anti-vaccine but I do not trust the safety of these particular vaccines. I just need more time to see, for them to work out the bugs, and develop a vaccine that is safer, and longer lasting.
If I could continue working from home I think I would be okay, limiting my social contact, maybe even starting to have all my groceries delivered, and wiping everything off. But if I have to go back it will not be safe. My job is the worse place to be, even worse I believe than working in a store, because it's a call center, with hundreds of people crammed into a room like sardines, many of them college students in that 20-something super spreader age group, with no open windows, all breathing in the same air, and being open 24-hours a day, 7-days a week, there is no assigned seating, everyone shares the same workstations, chairs, keyboards, and mouse, and on any given day, a person may sit in three different workstations, as you are expected to bring your belongings with you on your lunches and breaks, and no masks are allowed while seated at workstations because they believe the masks interfere with your ability to be heard, so if anyone comes to work with Covid, not knowing it because they are asymptomatic, they could potentially spread it to a lot of people.
For the past year they've been at 50 percent capacity, spacing out the stations to enable better social distancing, but it looks like a lot of the restrictions are being lifted, and with widespread availability of the vaccines, they are acting like the pandemic is over. But it's not over!
Are you not paying attention to what's happening in Michigan? How about India and Brazil? At one point these places had a major reduction in cases, they had come down to hardly anything, and now they are skyrocketing out of control, and the new variants are to blame. The same thing could happen everywhere! It is just a matter of time! It's more infectious and it's deadlier. They are seeing an increase in younger people getting sick, children, and young adults, people in there 20s and 30s. Just like the Spanish flu, although maybe not as bad, but the similarity is that in the first wave of the Spanish flu it mostly killed the elderly and the sick, but the second wave it was mostly the young and the healthy. And I found out the reason for that is that the young and the healthy were killed by their own immune systems, being stronger and more robust, in the process of fighting off the infection, it also damaged healthy organs in the process, kind of like chemo, and that's what did them in, death not by the virus, but by their own immune systems fighting off the virus.
Anyway, I really hope I'm allowed to continue working from home. Other than keeping my job, I gain nothing from going back. I don't make any more money, but I'll lose a lot of time and consume more energy to get there. Have to wake up an hour early to leave an hour early, and then because I ride my bike, I have to worry about somebody stealing my bike, and the hot weather is coming back, and I'm not used to riding in it anymore. I would probably have to take the bus, or a taxi, which would increase my monthly expenses, and at the same time increase my chances of getting Covid. It would be catastrophic.
A few months ago they talked about it becoming a permanent option for a select few, some working from home are only doing so temporarily, and would eventually go back, but others would be able to apply for a permanent work-at-home position, but I haven't heard anything more about it. So it is causing me anxiety, because I can't go back, and if they don't allow me to continue working from home, I would be forced to quit, without income, and would have to live off of savings, which I could afford to do for awhile, but it would set me back years my goal of saving to buy a house. So it really sucks not knowing what's going to happen.
In the meantime, I'm trying to stay strong and to eliminate sources of anxiety from my life, starting with marijuana. I enjoy the positive effects, of thinking about things in different ways, having unique insights that perhaps I wouldn't have had otherwise, but for me, the negatives outweigh the positives, so starting today the marijuana experiment is officially closed.