Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Removing the filters

I've decided to bring back the diary entries here and in doing so attempt to post more frequently like I used to. Not caring about building up a readership or building a brand. I hate that shit.

I do not wish to become an internet celebrity, or a so-called social media influencer, those people are fucked up, and I truly despise everything about it, and is why I will not be using Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram, or YouTube to stay in touch with people, or to build up a following, or to get rich.

No, I have long abandoned the goal of making money from this blog or from any blog. Right now this is it. One blog. No promotion. No ads. Just a time capsule floating in the sea of cyberspace. It is purely for therapy, my own therapy, and if you enjoy reading it, good, if not, I guess I'll just be talking to myself, like I would be if I were writing in my private journal.

I think the value of posting a private diary in a public space is the fact that it forces the writer to be accountable for the things they say, which is a good thing. Putting your thoughts out there for anyone to read may trigger a response, it may be positive, it may be neutral (no response) or it may be negative, a response that forces you to think about what you posted very carefully, and whether your belief is strong enough to defend, or whether you need to reevaluate things, and make some changes, and in this way you learn and grow.

That's the value of the blog, if you say anything harmful or untrue, or people don't like it, or disagree with it, it's out there for all to see, whether they post about it on your blog, or if they post about it somewhere else, the consequences are fully visible and there's no escaping it, and that's what makes public journal writing a more powerful tool for personal growth than doing so in private.

Been spending more time finding free e-books to download to my Kindle than actually reading e-books. The amount of reading I've been doing has actually declined since getting my Kindle. I've downloaded hundreds of books and am always finding more, but it's kind of overwhelming the amount of choices I have that it has become a bit of a distraction. That I'll read a few pages from one book, then jump to another book and read a few pages, and on and on and on, that I don't finish anything.

Is it possible that having too many choices actually restricts productivity? That having too much freedom actually restricts freedom? That if you have a million choices you'll waste a huge amount of time just trying to figure out what to do that before you know it you will have spent all day looking at all the options and not actually picking an option.

Well, that's partly it but I've also been kind of busy. I only work part-time outside of the house, but I also do a huge amount of freelance work from home, which between my day job and my freelance work, I'm easily clocking in over 10 hours a day, staring at a screen. There is an urgency because my part-time job covers all my bills, but nothing extra, and all my savings and fun money comes from my freelance work, so there is an urgency to always be working, because you never know from one day to the next how much work there will be. Sometimes there's very little, sometimes there's more work than I could ever do.

So I've been really busy with that, working seven days a week, everyday of the year, but working all the time doesn't really agree with me. I'm a creative person, a philosophical person who needs creative space, freedom to think without the anxiety that invariably comes from making money, being an employee in a system where you are pretty much just a cog in the machine.

I'm pretty much at the point that I wish I could quit my job, but I can't. That's no longer an option for me. Maybe someday I'll be able to live rent-free in a small cabin in the woods, with an internet connection, and a cost of living so low that I could support myself entirely from my freelance work, and maybe only needing to work 15 or 20 hours a week, and the rest of the time could be spent on reading and writing and communing with nature.

In the meantime, it is important for my mental health not to work too much, to remember to make time for relaxation and meditation and to just think deeply on things. That's the value of this blog I think is that it helps to keep me on course, to chronicle ideas that may not otherwise see the light of day as they would otherwise get buried under a heavy work load of mediocrity.

All work no play, makes life rather dull, where you become more like machine, than human. It is my goal to be as fully human as possible, and it is my belief that harnessing our creativity is the key to maintaining our humanity.

No comments: